Final Journal

Figured this journal deserved it's own post.

Final Journal Entry                                                                                  April 29^th, 2012

I’ve been home now for 24 hours and the experience still has yet to sink in. I found myself not wanting to walk away at 12:00 from some of the most amazing people I have met. I slowly made my way to my car where I slowly took off my backpack, unzipped my jacket and hesitated to sit in the seat. It was a strange feeling just walking away from everything and everyone I have known for the last five days. I sat in my car and as I made my way home the past 120 hours played out in my head. The funny moments, the sad moments, the life changing moments all accompanied with the feeling of accomplishment.

One of the most common questions asked when speaking about going home was “what will you do first?” All along I was set on sleep; I was walking in the door and going stright to bed. I still hadn’t wrapped my head around the experience and I was eager to see what the community had been saying about the campaign and I wanted to know what the other participants had been writing in their journals. There was so much to catch up on so sleep was out of the question, I did the next best thing; shower.

As the hot water hit my face and ran over the rest of me I asked myself when was the last time some of the people we met had the privilege of taking a shower. When was the last time they took a warm face cloth to their face or had the opportunity to cut their nails and clean out their ears? When was the last time they placed clean clothes upon their back? All the simple things in life we as people take for granted. We take for granted the clean running water from a shower head or bath tub faucet. We probably rarely think about the young person who is ‘washing’ in the Tim Horton’s sink or look down on the street people for looking so dirty.

I was mixed with emotions, both positive and negative and yet I still couldn’t wrap my head completely around what I was feeling. I was sad to walk away from my Sleep Out family but I was thankful for everything I came home to. My longed after face clothe, my many changes of clothes and a fridge full of food that I loved other than yogurt.

I found myself really cold and constantly wrapped up in a blanket. I was at the point where if I spent any more days and nights on the street I would have come down with the flu. I could feel myself begging to get sick, a change from earlier on in the week. By Wednesday my body had adapted to the outside weather. I couldn’t be inside for longer than half hour without being super warm and feeling really tired. It was like I had sunburn all over my body. My face got wind burned for the first time ever in my life, something I had only heard about and never really believed it was a real thing. Little did I know it was?

After an hour nap I got up and made my way to the grocery store to get some much needed groceries. I found myself looking through the cupboards and not being able to find anything to fill the void. As I drove the five minute drive to Dominion I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. When was the last time one of the guys we had met on the street walked into the local grocery store with a pocket full of money and had the opportunity to purchase anything their heart desired? I walked in the door and I never made it to the lettuce before I began to break down. My heart just broke for the people we had met and the people who would never have the opportunity I was about to have. The opportunity I have at least once a month. As I made my way through the grocery store waking up and down the aisles the past five days played out in my head yet again. I fought so hard to hold back the tears wanting so bad to run down my cheeks. It was undoubtedly one of the hardest moments I had faced in the past five days. The experience was that much more difficult because now I was on my own. I didn’t have anyone from my newly made family to get me through it. There was no one there who would even remotely understand what I was feeling.

I finally made my way to bed and woke the next morning to snow on the ground. I was thankful to be inside in my sheltered bed and thought about those people we had met who’s only shelter from the snow was probably a cardboard box. Did they sleep? Were they cold?

If I were to put one word on the Sleep Out 120 experience it would be humbling. It really helps you appreciate the small things in life and not take for granted the things you have and the things you are able to access. It is the people in life that are important not your possessions. You learn to not sweat the small stuff because it can always be much worse than it currently is. I would highly recommend the opportunity to everyone. Another significant word for me would be difference. We as a team worked to make a difference in the lives of the youth at risk and the youth in need. I know the 120 hours we spent raising awareness and collecting money will make a difference in the lives of others.

The connects I have made with the people I have spent 120 hours with is something that cannot be replaced. We are forever connected by our experience. I wouldn’t trade one person in our group for the world, we all added something different and I give props to Ashley for choosing such a passionate and caring group of people. Each and every one of us adds something special to the group.

 I am thankful for the friendships I have made and I am so very thankful for the 8 others I have had the privilege to spend the past 5 days with. I thank Ashley for working her butt off for the last eight months and for being a true superstar. You are the perfect mother hen and I am so very honored you chose me to be one of your little chicks. I thank my fellow 120 hour participants, the 24 hour participants, my family and friends, the public, the committee, the homeless and less fortunate for sharing their stomping grounds with us, the media for the amazing amount of coverage but most importantly I thank the community for being so supportive to both the campaign and the youth in need. You all have made such a difference!!

                                                                                                            -Kayla

“There are no hopeless situations, only people who are hopeless about them” – Dinha shore         

Few last day pics

One of the participants this year made a Youtube video with some pics from the 2012 campaign. Check it out: 2012 Video, pics and music

In case you didn't see the 2011 video that was made by Upstream Check it out!

Day 5 and After the campaign Journals

Mike:

"It has been a couple of weeks since sleepout and I have had a lot of time to reflect. I am very grateful to have had this experience. I never thought I would have said this, but spending time on on the streets has been one of the most incredible weeks of my life! I consider myself blessed to of had the opportunity to participate in sleepout120 with such wonderful people who certainly made the experience a lot easier and a very pleasant one. My 120 hours was rich in education as I learned a great deal about myself by stepping out of my comfort zone and immersing myself in street life for 5 days. It was a very eye opening experience. I learned a lot from the homeless people I spoke with, their resilience and positive outlook can truly be an inspiration to us all. I think we are all too quick to pass judgement, something I am not totally innocent of either. It is paramount to realize that we all have our own unique story, life histories and that we all have a purpose, passion and place in this world no matter what cards the game of life has dealt us. I strongly encourage people to take an opportunity to give back to the community and develop a sense of citizenship. As a young man I consider myself very lucky and blessed to of had the experiences I have had in life thus far at the age of 23, I am thrilled to have been presented with such a humbling opportunity to give back to the community. My 5 days on the streets proved to be a wealth of knowledge for me. I hope that what I have learned will be reflected in my work ethic, through empathy and passion for other people and I pray that my newfound experiences and sense of hope shines in my future endeavours.

To my sleepout pals; You are all awesome people! The experience would not have been the same without you guys. The fact that the week was filled with emotion on every end of the spectrum and we all still managed to get along truly speaks to everyone’s character. The sense of teamwork, fellowship, passion and friendliness displayed throughout the week truly was amazing and certainly made my experience all the better. So thank you for a remarkable week, one that I will never forget. I consider myself very fortunate to have shared this experience with such a vibrant group of youth, we all have bright futures ahead of us full of meaningful work that will touch lives and make this world a better place! I hope none of you ever lose sight of that no matter what challenges and perplexities the future has in store for us"

Robyn: 

"This is the first time I have actually had time to sit and reflect about Sleep Out 120 and coming home.

All I can say is it was very eye-opening. The loneliness one feels on the street is a feeling nobody should ever have to feel. Ashley drove me home and the whole time we both felt so..odd. You feel weird being in a car, almost claustrophobic. My head felt spacey, I couldn't think straight and I just did not feel like myself.

You take the smallest things for granted everyday. I walked in the door and my twin 7-year old brothers greeted me with "Hi, sissy! We saw you on the news!" These words were the sweetest I have ever heard. They diminished me to tears instantly as i dropped my gear and they ran into my arms. Then all I could think was "when was the last time the guys we met who lived on the street felt this much love?" Who knows the last time they were given a hug by a loved one. When was the last time they got to hop into a nice hot shower! That shower when I got home was the best shower I have ever had in my life, that fist home cooked meal was the best I'd ever tasted. I took time to savor every little thing. I hung on every word of the smallest conversations. People should really stop to smell those philosophical roses more often because one day you could wake up and everything you own and or love could be gone. Enjoy everything and live each day to your fullest.

To my Sleep Out 120 family: It was an honor and a privilege to have experienced this journey with you! You all brought such a unique quality to the group! To be with you, the people who do not just sit around and say "something should be done about this issue", but actually go out of their way, go outside their comfort zone and DO something about it...well words cannot express how proud I am to have been a part of that! You will all hold a very special place in my heart forever! Love you all!! <3

To the committee, the community, the family and friends of myself and the rest of the team, the network, Stella Burry, Choices, and Waypoints: Thank you for the unbelievable support you have given us! The love and support you gave us is what got us through.

Most of all I would like to thank the people we met who were homeless or at-risk. Your stories will never be forgotten. The fact that you came to check in with us every morning to make sure we were ok and made it through the night still leaves me mind-blown! You are truly some of the sweetest people I have met and I thank you for sharing your stories and the streets with us. 

I am so grateful for this experience and I have truly been humbled. Here's to another successful campaign! Cheers to you all and much love!"

Ashley:
"Its been a couple days since sleep out has ended. I'm lost. Although i still have plenty on my plate in order to give everyone a total on how much money we have raised, its hard not being around the team as much! i miss them! <3. Physically, I'm fine. I slept the day away on Saturday and Sunday, but it was well needed. I had 6 hours sleep the whole experience. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for someone to hold a job or go to school on 6 hours sleep in a week. People say about people who live on the streets that they could walk in and get a job at tim hortons, or mc donalds, or they could go to school, blah blah blah. You can't do anything if you haven't slept, if you haven't had a solid meal in days, if you are worrying about where you're going to sleep, or if you'll get attacked in your sleep. 
 
I was reading the comments on the telegram after we slept out, I know there are still ignorant people out there. But I was delighted to see some participants mom's defending their kids, and the cause. :) i love those mom's for doing that. It just proves that through us participating we're educating everyone around us, including our families. 
 
This has been an unbelievable experience. I can't thank the team enough for being such awesome individuals. The amount of support from the community has been overwhelming, as well as the support from the network, choices, stella burry and waypoints. 
 
I'd especially like to thank Emily, Laura, Erin, Jennifer, Melissa, Blair, and Kathryn for being on the committee that organizes this. Without them, I don't know if Sleep Out would be as wonderful as it was this year. What an incredible group of people with such amazing hearts, passion and drive. I'll never forget them and the spirit and soul that they bring to every aspect of this campaign! Love you all! :) xoxox Much Love and Hugs! :) "

Jody-Beth:

"The drive home was odd. As we drove through downtown I saw many of the faces I’d become so accustomed to. All of these people I’d met and spoken with, we’d established relationships. But now I was in this car, and I was going home. It’s like a wall had completely separated my life for that week and my regular life. I started thinking “Will they remember me? Will I remember them? Can I say hello? Will they still be here in a year, 5 years, 10?” Will I just be another passerby? I know I’ll say hello and that I’ll always care but there is a separation between us.

That afternoon I didn’t really sleep. When I woke up several friends were at my house and were all getting ready to have a bbq. They asked me how I was and told me what a good thing I’d done; that they’d seen me on the news. And then the conversation went on to other things, and it was all over. You feel a little disconnected and afraid that you’ll forget. Forget how cold you were, how sad you felt at times, how tired you were, the smiles of your team’s faces. But you remember the people that didn’t go “home”. You remember the people that are still out there, and all you think is “I can’t wait for next year, I can’t wait for the next 120 hours.”

To my Sleep Out family: each and every one of you has taught me something and made me a better person. Thank-you for your humor, your laughs, your smiles and your words of wisdom.

“There's all these people hanging out, in front, asleep, just on the footpath, you know laying down, maybe a card board box to sleep on and be lucky to have a blanket and people were stepping over the top in two or three degrees, two or three degrees is freezing cold. People just stepping over the top to get in their cars.” – Xavier Rudd, 3 Degrees"

Kayla:

I woke this morning feeling so sleepy even though I had a solid sleep. I feel like my body is beginning to shut down. I had very little energy, I was hungry but I knew the importance of pushing forward. I know what we are doing is going to make such a difference in the lives of the youth.

We spent the day in front of the Scotia center raising awareness and collecting funds to put back into the community. It’s an odd feeling to sit and watch people walk by while you sit on the cold concrete or stand with a sign. Some people smile and keep walking, others stop and want to know what we are doing and a few people argue the idea of the campaign. Despite having positive or negative reactions we are still getting the message across. There is in fact a problem of youth homelessness here in St. John's.

It was close to 4:00 before we ate anything and even though in your head right now you may be thinking 4:00 isn’t that late but when you’re in the mental, physical and emotional state you are while homeless; 4:00 is late. It is one of the few times I was extremely thankful to see food and hot food at that. Don’t get me wrong I’m so very thankful for the public and all the food donations we received but yesterday we had gone a while without eating. Sadly it’s a reality for many people.

Last night there was a hockey game and we made our way to Mile One Center to raise awareness and collect for the youth. It was so astonishing to see the support from the community, something you could NEVER know unless you experience firsthand. I am so blown away at how giving we as people can be. To see people walk by and give you thumbs up, to tell you what you are doing is great, to say they support what we are doing, to say thank you, to watch parents give their children money to place in our cans is a feeling I can’t even put into words.

The late night came and even though I was in such high spirits from the community and the positive aura they gave off, the night was difficult for me. I was exhausted and the rain really puts a damper on you but I made it through and here we are; at the end.

“Be the Rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”

                           -Maya Angelou

            
                                                      

Blair:
"I have been home now for 5 hours and I just woke up from a nap. I'm glad to be home with the privileges that I'm accustomed to (shower, ready accessibly to food, internet service, spending time with my family and dog, being able to contact my family and friends, and overall just having the comforts of home). When I got in the shower to wash for the first time in 5 days, I thought of the people who don't have the privilege to be able to enjoy the comforts of home. There are so many people out there who are unable to feel what I'm feeling right now and this makes me feel sad but motivated to continue to work towards change in Newfoundland Labrador. 

I feel so grateful to have been a part of the Sleep Out 120 2012 campaign. I already miss the people we have met during the week and the participants of the campaign. As I'm writing this journal entry, I'm use to having 9 people just inches away from me, so now, I'm in a one bedroom apartment with my dog. I have an loneliness feeling right now, I know that I won't be lonely for long but it really makes you think about the loneliness a youth at risk must feel if they have the feelings of hopelessness. I hope Sleep Out 120 provided that hope for the young people in St. John's that may be struggling with barriers. As a participant of Sleep Out 120, we raised awareness about the barriers and I hope the general public was able to become more educated on the issues that youth face. Together we can change and I believe that Sleep Out 120 participants are helping to create that change."



Kathryn:

"Well 2012 Sleep Out 120 Campaign has finished. How am I feeling now? In one word: Overwhelmed. Trying to get my head around the last 5 days. Living on the streets is a different world. Friday, we hanged out and wanted to be visible for the whole day. We went to the Ice Caps game and I was overwhelmed with the amount of support we got as people arrived and left the hockey game.  There was a grade 7 student who approached us at the game and said he had to do an essay about social justice and wanted to know some information. The fact that he knew we were standing up for social justice was a highlight of my day.

           

We had pizza donated to us and we gave a piece to a Jay, a youth on the streets. It might have been his first time having a hot slice of pizza in a while because his face lite right up.

I was thinking earlier yesterday, if we walked into Atlantic Place with our Sleep Out t-shirts and hats off would anyone recognize us or would we look like travelers of actual street youth? When I have gone to Atlantic place by myself, with or without my pack I tend to get a lot of looks, where as when I am out at the mall at any other given day I get overlooked just like everyone else. When you are doing a campaign like this and literally on the streets, you’re really putting yourself out there to be vulnerable and stared at.

The last day, I witnessed one of our own sleep out family members give her sleeping bag away right in front of everyone to a man she promised two days earlier when he came asking if we knew where he could get one. It really warmed my heart to see this. Shout Out to you – You inspire me and you rock!

As I was driving home, my fiancé had to roll down the windows and I asked “Do I really smell that bad”, he admitted a little. Which really made me reflect on how often the homeless individuals get to shower. Where in the city could they go to take a shower? I thought about it for a while and the answer I could think of was nowhere (unless you are in a shelter), public sinks can only do so much. St. John's doesn't have the resources that some bigger cities have. When was the last time the guys were given a chance to wash their clothes even? I was amazed at how quick you get dirty and sweat and smell like body-odor.

I got in my house today and it was so unbelievably quiet. I live on a cul-de-sac so traffic is minimal. I stepped onto a cushioned carpet floor, and noticed at how much softer and cleaner it is then concrete. I actually took a moment to enjoy the feeling as if it as the first time I had ever been in a house. Which caused me to think about the guys I met on the street (We actually did meet more men then women). When was the last time they were in a house? Invited to someone’s house for dinner? Slept in a bed? Felt warm and safe?

Keep an eye out for Sleep Out 2013. If I have my way, this campaign won’t end until the need for affordable housing is significantly less and people were educated on the stigma and barriers to homelessness."

day 4

Day 4

Michael

“Yesterday proved to be another good day. The telegram found us and took some pictures. The community was once again generous as always with monetary and food donations. We were once again able to do some outreach work and provide some food to those who really need it.

We were fortunate enough to be able to sit down as a group and enjoy a meal together. We enjoyed a feed of goulash as we watched ourselves on the NTV news in Atlantic Place.

I had my first experience ‘dumpster-diving’ last night. We had some cardboard stashed in our sleeping location, however, when we returned to the location to sleep, it was gone so we had to spend a few hour s searching for more before we could sleep.

I am looking forward to our full last day on the streets today. The sun is out and we made it to the front page of the Telegram, so I’m really looking forward to the response from the community today!”

Kayla

“It’s so hard to write first thing in the morning. I am not awake, I have no clue where to begin, I just don’t feel awake. I’m not a morning person but living on the streets turns you into one. You have no choice when you ‘bed’ is in the backyard of someone’s work place.

Yesterday we got our first real HOT homemade meal donated. Goulash, yummy! It’s the first time I’ve felt a full sense of living, while living on the streets, such a nice feeling.

We’ve been getting food donated all week and giving back to the community. It’s such a great feeling to open your bag of food and give to someone in need.

We gave to an older man and as we made our way up the street, I looked back to see the man sharing what we have to another man. I was taken back because this man probably doesn’t eat on a regular basis and he probably doesn’t know where his next meal is coming from, but yet he still shared. People like us, with a cupboard home full of food can be so greedy. It was definitely a learning lesson. Another thing that stands out for me from last night was a conversation Blair was having with one of the men.

They were talking about x-box and this man had never heard of it. I just instantly teared up. It’s so foreign to me, like, who hasn’t heard of an x-box? Something so simple that we take for granted, crazy!

Last full day is today, and as exciting as it is, it is so bitter sweet. I’m going to miss each and every person, I’m so grateful that I got to meet everyone. You never know what could happen and where you can go once you step out of your comfort zone. The strength one person can hold is simply amazing – you can really surprise yourself. Well I’m off to enjoy our last full day on the streets of Downtown as our Sleep Out 120.

Have I mentioned it’s sunny? YAY!

‘Life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ – unknown”

Kathyrn

Some more young people I work with stopped by and showed their support, I’ve been so overwhelmed.

We got some more media coverage yesterday.

Things I take for granted:

1.       Sitting at a table (we did sit at Atlantic Place, and people got up around us as we did so)

2.      A warm, hot, homemade meal (we did get one donated to us today, and we were really thankful)

3.       Being able to chat to family, my fiancé, and friends at any point in the day.

4.      Having a bed (we have to dumpster-dive for more cardboard last night)

5.      A shower, people really take for granted the feeling of being clean and not smelling

6.      The feeling of being safe and secure (personally, I slept well, but not everyone in the group feels as secure)

7.       Being able to pick and choose what I want to eat and when

8.      Being able to sleep in

One thing I’ve noticed is how time goes by so slow.

It feels great to have support from the community. People have chatted with us and shared their stories. We had one lady last night, who was a social service worker in Ontario. T0 hear her experience and hear how proud she was of us made me feel so happy.

Two youth stopped by and actually sat down to chat with us while we were on the side of Atlantic Place. They were not homeless but were very interested in the campaign and why we were out in the streets.

The weather has changed a few times and today is the only day it is sunny and should be half decent. I’m developing a cold.

We are on the front page of the telegram today! Sweet! We went to Atlantic Place yesterday when someone donated our first hot meal. We all sat as a group and ate it.

I can’t believe the 2o12 campaign is almost over, it has grown so much over the last few years. I’ve been so honored to be part of this.

A couple of people shouted ‘Get a job!’ and ‘wannabe homeless people’. Just shows we need to keep doing this and also need to take the good with the bad – not everyone supports us.

It has been an emotional experience and down to the final day. Yipeee!”

Robyn

“Exhaustion – that’s pretty much all I feel in every aspect. Physically, everything hurts. It’s been an emotional roller coaster. Mentally, my thoughts are all over the palace and it’s hard to process.

Last night was the first warm meal we have received, since we started. We sat down and ate it together, like a family; it was one of my favourite parts of the campaign.

These people have become family, I honestly cannot ask for a better group of people to share this experience with (so when you guys read this… thank you, I love my little sleep out fam).

Last night, we also got to see the first piece of media coverage on Sleep Out while we were sitting in Atlantic Place. It’s really odd seeing yourself on tv, but it’s fantastic to see how much media attention we are getting!

It’s our last day! It’s sunny! I can almost feel the shower now! As of 12pm today there will be 24 hours left. I cannot wait to trade in the cardboard and sleeping bag for my bed. I can’t wait to be able to talk to my friends all the times I want. It’s going to be so good to be home, though part of my heart will remain here with the people we’ve met on the streets.”

Jennifer (Naomi Centre) 24-hour participant

“It’s hard to journal when I’m still so tired. As a 24-hour participant, first of all, I must say – what a wonderful group of compassionate individuals.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to sleep outside on a regular basis, and still try to work, or look for a place to live, or try to find food. One of the things that I noticed last night was how vulnerable you feel sleeping outside. You become so aware of every noise, people walking by, etc.

It really hits home how tough it is for young people to not have safe places to go.”

Ashley

“Dear Sleeping Bag,

I’m excited for you to not be my bed at night, and not to depend on you alone to keep me warm. It’s been five days but, I feel we should end our relationship. We’ve had a good run, but I need more support. I’m tired of carrying you on my back. It’s exhausting.

Day 5: tired, exhausting, and hilariously delirious.”

Jody-Beth

“As the days continue on there seems to be more down time than up. Think about just one time you were ignored by someone, how much it hurt and how rejected you felt… as humans I think we need to feel validated and loved, which is why we constantly surround ourselves with friends and family.

After four days of people ignoring, and acting like you more of a burden than a human, you really start to feel it, and almost believe it. BUT THEN… a group of superheroes show up! They swoop in on a big yellow bus, toothy grins, sending us smiles and waves, shouting and yelling. We were excited, and our energy was recharged. Kids; they see peoples innocence, not the clothes they’re wearing. They see everyone as human beings, not their jobs and social status.

Imagine if we all thought like kids…”

Lindsay

Only one day left! We woke up this morning and it was so good to see the sun. Today is the first day we’ve seen the sun all week.

Yesterday was pretty good, it’s always such a great feeling to see people approaching us and telling us how much they respect what we are doing.

Last night while we were on George Street, a group of guys walked by, and they were saying, ‘you don’t want to be homeless, get a job’. I was so angered by this, I couldn’t get over what he said, and I couldn’t stop ranting about it. I don’t know how people can do it for months or even years. No one deserves to be treated this way.

While we were walking to our sleeping spot, too men were following us. The way they approached us had my heart beating so fast. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I was scared to death. It was fine after we realized that they themselves were homeless, and they were harmless – living on the streets is a scary thing.

This made me think about all of the times a homeless person has been approached or attacked on the streets, this probably occurs on a daily basis. I don’t know how they do it, it’s a scary reality.

Today is our last full day on the streets. The sun has got all of our spirits up, I cannot wait to go home and shower then crawl into bed. Knowing this, is what will get me through today.”

Blair

The media coverage has been great; the community really seems to be committed to this issue. To change youth homelessness, we need all levels of government, private sector, and the community to be involved with the solution.

The community expressed concern and has shown some real compassion towards our campaign.

The Choices’ Outreach has been a great support in the mornings, along with the committee members from Stella Burry, Waypoints, and the NLHHN. We had a tremendous team this year.

Overall, it has been a humbling experience, I was glad to be part of the planning, process and implementation of the campaign.